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Sarcastic Responses

1. At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...2. In the bus:A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't youtry again.3. At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed

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Quotes & Quotations

• Women aren't that bad, but wives...! • Your lucky number is 6478389077163. Watch for it everywhere. • If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fart. • I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. • You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. • Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range. -Scott E

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'The Simpsons' Quotes

“Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.”-Matt Groening, "Life in Hell"“Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?”-Matt Groening, The Simpsons“All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress

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Quotes by William Shakespeare

“A wretched soul,bruised with adversity,We bid be quiet when we hear it cry; But were we burdened with like weight of pain, As much or more we should ourselves complain.” -William Shakespeare “Action is eloquence.” -William Shakespeare “And since you know you cannot see yourself, so well as by reflection,I, your glass, will modestly discover to yourself, that of yourself which you yet know

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Quotes by George Bernard Shaw

“A day's work is a day's work, neither more nor liess, and the man who does it needs a day's sustenance, a night's repose and due leisure, whether he be painter or ploughman.” -George Bernard Shaw “A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.” -George Bernard Shaw “A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.” -George

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Quotes by Sir Winston Churchill

“A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.” -Sir Winston Churchill “A love for tradition has never weakened a nation, indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour of peril.” -Sir Winston Churchill “All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.” -Sir Winston Churchill “Although prepared for

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Quotes by Mark Twain

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.” -Mark Twain“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” -Mark Twain “Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.” -Mark Twain “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish

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Quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson

“A friend is one before whom I may think aloud.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson “A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson “A man of genius is privileged only as far as he is genius. His dullness is as insupportable as any other dullness.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson “All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.” -Ralph Waldo

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Quotes by Oscar Wilde

“A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.” -Oscar Wilde “A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.” -Oscar Wilde “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” -Oscar Wilde “America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.” -Oscar Wilde “America is the only country that went from

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Quotes by John F. Kennedy

“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.” -John F. Kennedy “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” -John F. Kennedy “If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity.” -John F. Kennedy “Let us think of education as the means of developing our greatest abilities, because in

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Quotes by Plato

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” -Plato “Death is not the worst than can happen to men.” -Plato “If women are expected to do the same work as men, we must teach them the same things.” -Plato “Ignorance, the root and the stem of every evil.” -Plato “Laws are partly formed for the sake of good men, in order to instruct them how they may live on friendly terms with one

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Quotes by Martin Luther King Jr.

“All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality.” -Martin Luther King Jr. “Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.” -Martin Luther King Jr. “I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality

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Quotes by Woody Allen

“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.” -Woody Allen “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” -Woody Allen “Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.” -Woody Allen “His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.” -Woody Allen “How can I believe in God

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Quotes by Sophocles

“A short saying oft contains much wisdom.” -Sophocles “Ignorant men don't know what good they hold in their hands until they've flung it away.” -Sophocles “Much speech is one thing, well-timed speech is another.” -Sophocles “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.” -Sophocles “The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.”

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Quotes by Sir Francis Bacon

“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” -Sir Francis Bacon “By far the best proof is experience.” -Sir Francis Bacon “Certainly virtue is like precious odors, most fragrant when they are incensed, or crushed: for prosperity doth best discover vice, but adversity doth best discover virtue.” -Sir Francis Bacon “Choose the life that is most useful, and habit will make it the most

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Quotes by Lao-tzu

“Seek not happiness too greedily, and be not fearful of happiness.” -Lao-tzu “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” -Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu “He who knows does not speak. He who speaks does not know.” -Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu “He who knows others is wise; He who know himself is enlightened.” -Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu “He who loves the world as his body may be

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Quotes by G. K. Chesterton

"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, drunk or sober." -G. K. Chesterton “A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.” -G. K. Chesterton “An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly

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Quotes by Franklin D. Roosevelt

“As Americans, we go forward, in the service of our country, by the will of God.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt “Be sincere; be brief; be seated.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt “Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt “I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two

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Quotes by Euripides

“Circumstances rule men and not men rule circumstances.” -Euripides “Do not consider painful what is good for you.” -Euripides “Short is the joy that guilty pleasure brings.”-Euripides “Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” -Euripides “The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you

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Quotes by Robert Frost

“A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.” -Robert Frost “A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom.” -Robert Frost “Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.” -Robert Frost “Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.” -Robert Frost “I'm against a homogenized society, because I want the

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Quotes by Nelson Mandela

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” -Nelson Mandela “I am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying.” -Nelson Mandela “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” -Nelson Mandela, 'A Long Walk to

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Quotes by Mahatma Gandhi

“Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.”-Mahatma Gandhi“As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.”-Mahatma Gandhi“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”-Mahatma Gandhi“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in

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Quotes by George Carlin

“As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.” -George Carlin “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” -George Carlin “Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” -George Carlin “I think it's the duty of the comedian to find

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Quotes by Emily Dickinson

“Anger as soon as fed is dead - 'Tis starving makes it fat.” -Emily Dickinson “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul.” -Emily Dickinson “Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul. And sings the tune Without the words, and never stops at all.” -Emily Dickinson “I dwell in possibility...” -Emily Dickinson “I hope you love birds too. It is economical. It saves

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Quotes by Confucius

“Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.” -Confucius “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” -Confucius “Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.” -Confucius “Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.” -Confucius “He who will not economize will have to agonize.” -Confucius “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” -Confucius

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Quotes by Charles Dickens

“A man who could build a church, as one may say, by squinting at a sheet of paper.” -Charles Dickens “Accidents will occur in the best regulated families.” -Charles Dickens “I do not know the American gentleman, god forgive me for putting two such words -together.” -Charles Dickens “Minds, like bodies, will often fall into a pimpled, ill-conditioned state from mere excess of comfort.” -Charles

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Quotes by Benjamin Disraeli

“A precedent embalms a principle.” -Benjamin Disraeli “As a general rule the most successful man in life is the man who has the best information.” -Benjamin Disraeli “Bore: one who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation.” -Benjamin Disraeli “Cleanliness and order are not matters of instinct; they are matters of education, and like most great things, you must cultivate a

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Quotes by Aristotle

“Hope is a waking dream.” -Aristotle, from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers “I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law.” -Aristotle, from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers “Liars when they speak the truth are not believed.” -Aristotle, from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers “What is a

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Quotes by Ambrose Bierce

“Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.” -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary “Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary “Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.” -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary “Barometer

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Quotes by Albert Einstein

“Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.” -Albert Einstein “Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.”-Albert Einstein “Ethical axioms are found and tested not very differently from the axioms of science. Truth is what stands the test of experience.” -Albert Einstein “Every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are

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Quotes by Albert Camus

“Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.” -Albert Camus “Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.” -Albert Camus “Do not wait for the last judgment. It takes place every day.” -Albert Camus “Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.” -Albert Camus “I shall tell you a great

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Quotes by Abraham Lincoln

“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.” -Abraham Lincoln “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”-Abraham Lincoln “Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. As a peacemaker the lawyer has superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business

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